With the holidays just around the corner many people are making plans to spend time with friends and family, despite Corona trying to ruin the fun. Pandemic or not, there is no denying the holiday season is a magical whirlwind of feasts, festivities, and memory making opportunities.
But what if you are one of the millions of people who have toxic relationships in your life? This could be a narcissistic ex you are forced to co-parent with, a boss whose idea of a bonus is a subscription to the Fruit-Of-The-Month-Club, or a relative who never fails to point out all your flaws.
What do you do when the twelve days of Christmas turn into twelve migraines? Do you go no contact, gray rock, or put on your best “brave face”? Perhaps you should just keep the peace and rise above or even fake an illness that lasts about 37 days, then mysteriously fades out after the new year.
Before you get your tinsel in a twist and have a full-blown panic attack, let’s discuss the different options you have for maintaining your integrity during the “most wonderful time of the year”.
Gray Rock
This coping mechanism is exactly like it sounds; you put up an invisible wall and try to remain as unassuming as possible. An article in Psychology Today describes gray rock like this: “One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a “gray rock,” meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don’t feed their needs for drama or attention. You don’t show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies.”
Even though you should always strive to be a shiny diamond, going gray rock can still be incredibly useful if you are up against a lump of coal like an obnoxious coworker or a sassy sibling. The only real issue with using this technique is that people recovering from traumatic experiences are often taught the concepts of positive self-talk, (I am smart I am beautiful) and likening yourself to a skipping stone too often might take its toll. It is a powerful tool for your arsenal, however, so if you can keep your self esteem in check then by all means, break out the slingshot.
Brave Face
If you have ever had to “put on a brave face” to save face, then you understand how exhausting this can be. You made it through the cocktails, the Hors d’oeuvres, and 10 pounds of turkey and now you have your eye on the pie; not so much because it is a tasty taboo but mostly because pie means you are close to making your break for the door. For hours you listened to your Uncle Lou brag about how athletic and outgoing his kids are while you are, well, just too shy. Your mother chimes in with little innuendos about how you might find a date to bring if you “did something with your hair” and your cousin can’t help but make snarky remarks about your social media posts, your career, and your sense of style.
Maybe cooking is not your forte or you hold a deep sense of tradition with holiday gatherings. If this is the case, then putting on a mask of indifference will help you resist the urge to turn your salad fork into a weapon. Remind yourself that you made the choice to come to the gathering knowing full well that you would have to wade through some muck on your way to the trough, and that Granny’s homemade rolls are worth their weight in gold.
Rise Above
It is completely possible (and a goal you should strive for) through therapy or other means to close the traumatic wounds of your past and allow the healing power of self-confidence to take hold. When you can honestly look at your reflection in the mirror and state “I am a worthy individual with unique gifts to give the world” and believe it deep down in your heart and soul, then you will be able to conquer almost any situation. Almost.
I am a huge believer in forgiveness as part of the healing process, but choosing to forgive someone for the way they hurt you does not mean you have to forget the abuse you suffered; nor should you. People are often misinformed into thinking that if they have forgiven someone but do not wish to have them in their life, then it is not true forgiveness.
As someone who has suffered every form of mistreatment imaginable, I am here to testify that you can have peace of mind and joy in your heart while taking part in celebrations with loved ones, despite your abuser being there too. If they try to reel you in with their triggers and mind games, just remind yourself that they are lost and broken, and when it’s all said and done, you only have to account for your actions, no one else’s.
No Contact
If you have tried every possible angle to have a holly jolly Christmas but the thought of decking the halls with Cousin Clyde still shuts you down, then it may be time to consider going no contact. This technique is usually a last-ditch effort to hold on to your sanity after extreme abuse however NC can be employed for any situation that you deem to be hazardous to your health.
The main drawback to going no contact is you will be forced to shut out other people you care about like common friends or family, but if it’s a toss up between spending the holidays in a padded room or alone, you should definitely make other plans.
Alternative Ways to Celebrate the Holidays
Thanks to the digital era, the holiday hype has grown to an over sensationalized beast of epic proportions whose only goal is to make you spend more money, sooner. Even in the midst of a global pandemic stores were putting out Halloween candy with the school supplies, and Santa’s sleigh was propped up next to the Haunted House. (Never did see a turkey, I guess he flew the coop!)
So assuming that you can resist the urge to buy 57 pairs of mittens in July, there are some healthy and happy ways you can spend the holidays if you need to excuse yourself from toxic people. You could volunteer to serve dinner at a local shelter or church and be an amazing blessing to those in need. Toy drives are always looking for volunteers to help deliver presents to children in poverty, and there are many seniors in assisted living facilities or nursing homes that have no family left to celebrate with. You could have a virtual Zoom party, or even celebrate with folks in a social media room.
Regardless of how you choose to spread your holiday cheer, remember that you have a right to celebrate life, love and the pursuit of happiness just as much as anyone else, and NO ONE can take that away from you!
